Fugitive!

I am a fugitive from the law. Remember this post? Yeah, well it was only just last Friday...

Anyway, it seems that the story is not quite over yet. On my way out of the building last night, one of the security guards motioned for me. “Me?” I asked and he just nodded.

“Did you have a problem with a young lady Friday afternoon?”

“Um, I don’t know. Maybe. Was she driving a green chevy lumina?”

“Yeah that was her…”

“I never saw the driver.”

“…she said you kicked her car.”

“Punched it, actually”

“Why did you do that?”

“Well, I was in the crosswalk, crossing the street, and she practically ran me down. I had to stutter step and stop to keep from getting my toes run over and since I had just played several games of racquetball, I just kinda’ crouched and backhanded her car with my hand. It was pretty much a reaction”

“She said she thought you kicked it.”

“Nope, didn’t kick it. But I whacked it pretty good. But I don’t think I dented it. Either way, exactly how close does she have to be to me when I’m in the crosswalk for me to be able to touch her car?”

“Well, she was pretty upset. She came in here and filled out a police report.”

“A police report!? Really? Was she trying to turn herself in for failure to yield?

“Yeah, we wondered how you were close enough to kick her car.”

“How’d you know it was me anyway?”

“We ran the tapes back.” (Then he showed me pictures of me entering the building – based on the time stamp, they knew it was me. There is no camera on the crosswalk – no reason for it – so there is no video record of my assault on a car. Shucks.)

“So, is there a problem?”

“Well, she was supposed to come back in today. She hasn’t showed.” (Here, I have to assume that they had identified me and are/were going to give her my identity if she wanted to press charges.)

“Hmmmm, whatever”

“Your extension is xxxx, right?”

“Yeah, that’s it. Call me if there are any more problems.”

And I went home. But it started me thinking. Technically, did assault her car. What could they get me for? Assault? Vandalism? Hell, I don’t know. But I can already see myself sitting there with all the other mother rapers, father stabbers and father rapers on the group “W” bench. I’ll be the only one in for assaulting a car. That should scare them all pretty good and establish my place in the hierarchy. :-)

Anyway, this morning when I came in I stopped by the security office again. I asked if they’d heard anything. They haven’t. But the entire incident has turned into a joke “Here’s our car puncher!” They exclaimed. Seriously, I think I’m their hero now.

Clancy the Car Puncher.

I’ve tried to google this kind of incident and I can’t find anything. The closest story I found was a man who kicked a taxi-cab when it cut him off in the crosswalk, and when the driver stopped and got out the pedestrian proceeded to kick his ass and was ultimately charged with assault. This is why precisely why I didn’t pause to confront the driver. I knew my head wasn’t cool enough not too punch the driver too. And as it turns out, it was “a young lady.” A young woman perhaps, but a lady she was not.