September 19, 2005
Looking Back
I just stumbled across something I wrote some time ago and never published…
Dateline August 5, 2004:Since I have to leave for work earlier than GF, I shower and get dressed before I wake her in the mornings. This morning, I was checking email and playing with my computer by the time GF went downstairs to start getting ready for work. Suddenly, and in a tone I will never forget, GF yells "Clancy, get down here! Now!" Her tone scared me to the core. I have never heard her voice like that before. I didn't hesitate as I got up, but my mind was racing - was there someone down there? Was it there a huge snake or monster spider or other weird critter that had found its way into our house? My thoughts turned to my gun and I realized that it was down the hall on the other side of the stairway. I'd have to cross in the open to go get it. Then a brief moment of sanity flickered and I thought whatever it was, it couldn't really be that bad. She hadn't screamed. And surely, if someone really was down there she would have said something other than "get down here". As I reached the top of the steps, I was slightly relieved to see that she was waiting at the bottom. I flew down the steps and still she stood there with her hand behind her back and a shocked and stunned look on her face. "What is it?" I asked full of concern. She brought her hand up from behind her back to reveal a small white plastic device. Slowly it dawned on me what it was and I looked at the little indicator window and saw two pink lines. One was a little lighter than the other, but there were definitely two lines. "Does that mean what I think it means?" I asked. She nodded slowly. "This is good, right?" I asked again. Again she nodded but she was still very shocked. I hugged her and asked why she looked so scared. She explained that she had tested last week, on the day she was supposed to start, but it had been negative. And although she is normally very regular, last month she was late so she hadn't though it meant much. And we both had reasons to believe doubt that we could even do this together. And we hadn't really started to try just yet, we had only resolved to stop trying to prevent such an occurrence. Anyway, she explained that she was just used to seeing only one line and was sure that it would only be one line, but when she realized that she was indeed seeing two lines she just freaked. Reassured that she was really OK I looked at her and smiled. She smiled and we both teared up a little.
The rest of the day went by almost surreal. I had to force myself to think about other things. If I allowed myself a few moments to ponder the situation a monstrous smile form on my face and I didn't want to have to explain myself to my co-workers. I'm really bad at keeping secrets, but it's just too early to tell anyone now. In a few weeks perhaps...
Well, I somehow managed to keep it a secret for about 4 weeks. Then I blabbed. And then, just a few weeks later, heartbreak the likes of which words can’t express.
All of that feels so long ago now. But it wasn’t. It was exactly a year ago today that we lost Thumper.
Everything has changed now. Our lives have changed again and the joy we were blessed with a little over 4 weeks ago has a way of making everything we’ve done prior to this so utterly unimportant.
But that doesn’t mean that we forgot - we still think and wonder about Thumper. We know now that Thumper was to be a girl. She would have had health issues, but could have lived a mostly normal life (except that she would never have had children of her own). And although we never got to meet her, her memory lives on. And in my heart, my newest daughter already has a big sister.
If you look closely at this picture, you can see where she was already here some time ago … waiting for her little sister to arrive…
