Bring It On!

I had the most startling realization this afternoon… Yoda is due 3 months from today. Holy dirty diapers, Batman – this is really going to happen! Now it’s true that the little one has been hanging out in my belly for over 6 months now, and his/her presence is made more apparent each passing day with kicks and flips that very often take my breath away – but somehow it’s all the more real today. We were devastated when we lost our first baby in the fall, and those scars had little time to heal before little Yoda was conceived. It was a choice we purposely made, to try again so soon… but we had lost our naiveté. This time, we knew what could go wrong. Every twinge and cramp made me shudder in panic – every trip to the bathroom held the terrifying ritual known as “the toilet paper check” when you look for evidence of bleeding. There were some scary moments… a blood clot and immediate trip to the emergency room… but little one hung in there, and we made it to the second trimester. The chances of miscarriage drop significantly then, but there are never any guarantees. Our excitement was real, but it was cautious – and very superstitious. Would we curse little one by buying a stuffed tiger in Las Vegas when we got married? What devastation would come from choosing nursery furniture too soon? It was a momentous occasion when I came home with a sleeping gown and some little onesies the other night… I was living life on the edge.

Now we’re exactly 3 months away from the due date, and while the fear hasn’t gone away, I know that little Yoda will have a fighting chance if something goes wrong. A baby is viable at 26 weeks, and chances of survival increase each day in the womb now. More importantly, Yoda is thriving and I am doing well… there is no reason to think that some big monster is lurking around the next corner (of course superstitious me is dreadfully afraid those words will come back to haunt me as soon as they are posted but I’ll have to get over that!). The crib is ordered, and I am making lists of things we will need to keep Yoda safe and comfortable. Mommyhood is no longer the precious dream I’ve been carrying around in my heart for 6 months – it’s the reality of burping cloths and breast pumps, and I say bring it on!

The funny thing is that through all of the uncertainty and fear, I have never worried for one single moment about what kind of parents we will be. We won’t be perfect… but we will be together, and together, we will be amazing.